


Here

by AnxiouslyDreaming



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Jean's POV, M/M, do not listen to rascal flatts' "here" while reading this just don't, don't look at me just don't even make eye contact with me, oh king of my heart, sad sappy trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 06:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyDreaming/pseuds/AnxiouslyDreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>And I'd relive all the years</i>
  <br/>
  <i>And be thankful for the tears</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I've cried with every stumbled step</i>
  <br/>
  <i>That led to you and got me here, right here</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here

You are here, right here. I’m thirteen with sweaty palms and my heart can’t decide if it’d be more comfortable on my sleeve or caught in my throat. Nobody has ever taken such a shine to me and I would _not_ be shocked if you acknowledged me on a fucking dare. My disbelief, my skepticism is palpable but the way you say that you wouldn’t mind getting to know me proves you incapable of deceit. You are too gentle to have to deal with my brutality and you are too genuine to benefit from my uncertainty. A year older than me and far wiser, wise enough to choose your own healthy company and instead you’ve chosen me. I am toxic and I am volatile and you are uplifting and you are a saint and I am still not sure why someone with the sun shining out of their ass in this incredibly fucked up world would sit in the corner with me and call me their best friend.  
  
We are here, right here. I’m fourteen and you always have the right things to say when I’m tearing myself down. No matter how dark it is inside of me, you are shining. If I ever get to make someone feel the way you make me feel, then I'll know your kindness isn't going to waste. You are close, much too close and I am too young to appreciate it so instead I take it for granted because where would you go? Promised security is approaching steadfast and we’ll live like kings, for kings. You don’t ask questions when I reach for your hand and I don’t tell you how my shoulder has never been a pillow for anyone before. We watch the stars, concoct stories, predict each other’s futures, fall asleep in the dirt with the sweat from training on our collars and the blood from sparring on our lips. The only reason I don’t kiss you is because I think you might not like the taste. I wouldn’t mind it. I am wrong about your future.  
  
We are here, right here. I’m fifteen and you are right about me but when are you ever wrong? I am not strong and we both know it and I only seem surprised on principle. You still preface any criticism with a warning and that is the difference between our honesties. I am brash and I am unfiltered and you are careful and you are concise. I am unthinking and you are calculated. You definitely calculate the way you first kiss me when I'm not even looking and I don’t think any further ahead than to get up in arms. I bristle and you mumble sorries. Maybe I wanted to be present for it. I skirt my duties and hide in your bed for the rest of the day. It just so turns out that your body is the best apology but now we’re in trouble. Our lives tangle in the same way that our limbs do and we’ve dug ourselves so deep, so fast that it’s hard to fathom how we will ever climb out. How do I tell people that I smile now because of you?  
  
I am here, right here. I’m sixteen and you were in my hands. The irony is that you had to be out of them to get into them for the last time. It may or may not have been you. I’m sixteen and I could’ve been fisting the ashes of someone who wasn’t carelessly abandoned. I’m sixteen and maybe that was the silt of multiple people slipping between my fingers who at least had someone there to make a last ditch effort at saving them, even if it was for naught. I’m sixteen and I am not a hero. I’m sixteen and I hate myself enough to refuse my own guaranteed safety. I’m sixteen and I am making sure you did not die in vain.  
  
I’m sixteen and the memory of your strength is what gets me out of bed. I’m sixteen and knowing you’d want what’s best for me is why I eat. I’m sixteen and remembering your drive is why I fight. I’m sixteen and I am angry and I am empty and I am lost and I am purposefully reckless but I am focused. I’m sixteen and I don’t know who I am or where I belong, but anywhere I go and anyone I become will be for you. I’m sixteen and your loyalty, your presence will always be incomparable. I’m sixteen and you can never be replaced. I’m sixteen and I keep your unwavering determination sheathed at my hip. I’m sixteen and I keep your spirit fastened around my neck. I’m sixteen and I will avenge you with my very last breath.  
  
I’m sixteen and I love you.  
  
You are always here, right here.


End file.
